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23 May 2009 @ 00:24
Twilight Fanficion  
So I knocked out a little bit of the start of a twilight fic about Alice and Jasper the other day when I was meant to be studying. Anyway as my first real bit of fanfiction i'd really like some input on what it's like and what i can improve upon.

Please read and comment.

Summery: Alice and Jasper's first meeting. From jasper's point of view. May tell the story of where they went from there. Set as in the books. VampxVamp. K for now, but may become a higher rating as it progresses.

AN: As my first real attempt at a proper story, while this is just the beginning, and i'm still unsure as to where it will end, i welcome all comments and constructive criticism. Please help me improve my writing. This just came to me when i was meant to be studying for exams, and the words just flowed i didn't stop once. I know it's short but enjoy (i hope!).

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of the characters, i'm just messing with their heads a bit for both your and my enjoyment.

There she was, waiting, waiting for him. But who was she? He was certain that he had never seen her before, not once. His memory was good…perfect in fact. This girl’s face was defiantly new to him, but he felt like he’d known her forever. It was the way her mysteriously coloured eyes lit up when she saw him walking through the door, and her perfect thin lips spread into a giant grin that seemed to animate her entire body.

He could feel her emotions, they hit him like a wave, overwhelming joy, ecstatic happiness and a sense of finality tumbled over him. The last one he did not quite understand, but decided he didn’t really care. She was waiting for him. He was quite sure about that, not completely certain but quite sure. Suddenly he had the urge to turn and check behind him, check that there was no one else her vivid smile and joyful demeanor could be aimed at.

He didn’t turn. He was an extra-sensitive vampire for god’s sake. He would have known if a human or any other creature had entered this establishment after him, even while being distracted by her. She was waiting for him.

He found himself being drawn towards her, his feet moving in her direction, slowly but determinedly. Was it curiosity or something greater that was pulling him forward through the grubby human diner, towards this irresistible creature?

As he neared her stool at the counter she jumped up into a standing position, moving forward to greet him. Several things about this shocked him, firstly her forwardness, not many people acknowledge him in such a way, most avoided him, but he already knew she was no ordinary girl. Then there was the way she moved, so delicately, she danced to her chosen destination. It was, however, her appearance that struck him the most forcefully. She was so tiny and petite, she looked so thoroughly breakable. Her short caramel chocolate hair, pale skin and punky clothing gave her the atmosphere of a magical pixie. Maybe this was what drew him towards her. Maybe, but he had the feeling that it was her complete confidence, and the way her emotions were so pure, such a deliciously rare find for him.

He knew there was nothing normal or ordinary about this tiny female. Especially when she stated in a chiming voice that made his stone cold skin tingle, “Good morning Jasper, it’s great to finally meet you. Oh, I’m Alice by the way.”

AN: Please tell me what you think, i need all the help i can get.

 
Thanks
x

 
 
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
Current Music: Only Hope - Mandy Moore
 
 
 
mint_pixiemint_pixie on 23rd May 2009 17:58 (UTC)
Ah, that's pretty awesome really. The style actually reminds me of how I think Jasper thinks xD As for help... Not much I can give owo;; Sorry! I'm not a great fan of these sentences together "She was waiting for him. He was quite sure about that, not completely certain but quite sure." but otherwise the actual writing is good.